I will soon be a mom to five kids!
5 y’all holy cow.
I could choose to make this post about how wonderful and excited I am for this new journey, or I could be my normal “real tell you how it is” self and share with you how scared and insecure I am about the number 5 and everything that goes with that for me.
My blog has been with me for over six years;it has been a source of therapy, a source to catch my confusion, thoughts, inspiration and now with this new number 5: my life as a mom of 5 kids all ranging from ages 16 to 12 weeks in my belly.
What to expect when you are expecting. What about let me tell you how it really is…
We found out in February that we would be adding one to the group— I thought the blood was rushing out of my body. It was a surreal feeling. This was not planned but the night before finding out I had placed a quote on my phone screen saver that read ” I will not be shaken.”
I wanted to yell out to God, ” I CHANGE MY MIND!!!! I WILL BE SHAKEN!!!”
My kids are my world and they are my purpose. I am responsible to make sure they grow into awesome human beings that leave a mark on this planet, but if there are 5 how can I do that? I mean, I work full time and I am one human being. The sense of failing has never been greater and the fear of “what if’s” have stacked up in my odds.
Hormones they don’t help. My counselor reminded me that with or without a baby growing inside emotions and feelings are 200% normal and okay to experience. But for some reason I feel lately like I am not supposed to be experiencing any of these things. I am a feeler y’all so because I feel as if I can’t express what is truly inside my heart it feels like drowning.
I am not sure where along the last several years I began the bad habit of thinking that I can’t show weakness, I can’t have cracks in my armor, and I must prove I am the best mom on the planet in addition to a worker bee and wife.
Insecurity alert! Or better yet I am human alert!
This pregnancy has come with nausea and has come with bouts of headaches and anxiety. I try and keep it all quiet inside.
(As if I am trying not to “act” over pregnant or overly human)
This pregnancy has come with feeling a stretching uterus and body growing in ways that leave pain behind some days. I keep it all quiet inside. ( Don’t be a cry baby Sam, don’t act pregnant or as if your body went from less than 5 HCG level to over 200,000… no big deal suck it up momma)
But earlier this week I started listening to an audible book that is called Unglued. I realized on chapter 5 I need to buy this book in physical form because chapter 5 (irony) requires me highlighting the entire thing!
Because of my life I am what some like to call “scrappy”. I have had to learn a lot of hard lessons, have had to learn a lot about who I am and what I am made of. I have also been in sales for way more years than I want to admit on this post. So learning to improve and change has always been a normal way of “being” for me.I attend seminars, read lots of self improvement books, coaching books and love to read entrepreneur boss lady blogs! My brain and soul loves to learn. I admire my dad because he has worked in the same field of work my whole life. He has never changed— but a few years ago he has had to learn how to change many things. I see him constantly battle his comfortable way of being even when he knows change is required for what is ahead. I use that as a “prospective blessing”. As in, a reminder of why I want to keep progressing my life is not meant to be non-evolving quite the contrary.
This baby that is due in October deserves a mom that can love it (I say it because we still do not know what it is). Unglued reminded me that even during trials I must remember to see the gratitude.
I am grateful I am able to have 5 healthy children.
While 5 was no where in MY plans, it was in HIS plans.
So for the next 28 weeks I will share what it is really like to be a:
SOON-TO-BE-MOM of 5!